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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24949585">time on my hands</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/achilleees_tua/pseuds/achilleees_tua'>achilleees_tua</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>five/diego UST+seduction first time fics (the best niche genre) [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Adult Number Five | The Boy, Aged-Up Character(s), Getting Together, M/M, Post-Season/Series 01, Sex Pollen, Sibling Incest, Unresolved Sexual Tension</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:49:04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,144</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24949585</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/achilleees_tua/pseuds/achilleees_tua</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“If you orgasm, you’ll die,” Five said with a grimace. </p><p>Diego’s eyes went wide.</p><p>“Bet you wish you’d just been sterilized now,” Five said.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>five/diego UST+seduction first time fics (the best niche genre) [5]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1428244</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>342</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>time on my hands</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>inspired by <a href="https://twitter.com/leehanjiart/status/1262803398312685568">this tweet</a>: "You’ve heard of sex pollen, what about no-sex pollen? You’re mad horny but if you fuck you die. Now these two idiots who JUST confessed their undying love gotta figure out how to keep their hands to themselves for who-knows-how-long until they can fuck each other’s brains out."</p><p>i decided it was diego's turn to be the victim of the sex pollen this time. this is the spiritual sister-fic to my klaus/diego masturbation bet fic, if any of the pacing beats feel familiar, haha.</p><p>as always, imagine five's body is aged up to early 20s.</p><p>very mild content warning in the end notes.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey,” said Diego, catching up with Five. “I have a question.”</p><p>“You don’t have to announce you have a question,” Five said, opening a door and leaning inside to sweep his gaze around. “You can just ask the question.”</p><p>“I can’t do a Spanish inverted question mark with my voice, that’s what you’re getting,” Diego said.</p><p>“I sense you’re missing my point.”</p><p>Diego flapped his hand impatiently. “Fine, whatever. You’re wasting more time giving me shit than I did by saying it in the first place, you know.”</p><p>“But maybe you’ll think better next time,” Five said. He opened another door. “I’m playing the long game.”</p><p>“Christ, if you’re gonna train me like a dog, I better get treats out of it.”</p><p>Five smiled. Diego always felt like he’d swallowed pop rocks when he managed to elicit that smile. “What’s your question, Diego?”</p><p>“Right,” Diego said. He jimmied open a locked door with a pick from his belt. “Why was Klaus so insistent that you and I in particular pair off on this mission?”</p><p>He didn’t think he imagined the way Five tensed. “You’re asking me to explain the internal mechanisms of Klaus’s brain? You know I can’t do that.”</p><p>“I think in this case, you might have some insight,” Diego said. “What’s his angle?”</p><p>“He’s Klaus, he’s full of shit. Why are you so convinced he has some master scheme in mind?”</p><p>“You’re babbling,” Diego said.</p><p>“You’re a shithead,” Five said. “We all have our flaws.”</p><p>“You babble when you don’t want to answer,” Diego said. “Because you don’t like to lie. So straight up, do you know why Klaus made me come on this mission with you?”</p><p>Five didn’t say anything.</p><p>“Five.”</p><p>“Yes,” Five said. “I know.”</p><p>“Is there a reason you’re not telling me?”</p><p>“Christ, obviously,” Five said disdainfully. “You know I don’t like it when you ask me questions you already know the answer to.”</p><p>“Are you going to tell me the reason?”</p><p>“Again,” Five started.</p><p>“Five,” Diego said. “Tell me the reason.”</p><p>“I’m no more inclined to say it just because you’re talking to me like that.”</p><p>“Like what?”</p><p>“Like a <em>therapist</em>,” Five said.</p><p>Diego almost took the conversational detour, but he didn’t like being diverted when he had a mission. He grabbed Five’s arm to halt him, heartened when Five let himself be turned.</p><p>“Five,” Diego said, softer.</p><p>Five seemed to deflate, gaze locked miserably on Diego’s chin. “Why do you need to know?”</p><p>“Maybe I have a theory,” Diego said.</p><p>Five flinched.</p><p>Diego took a deep breath. “Maybe it’s more of a hope.”</p><p>Slowly, Five’s gaze rose, getting stuck on his lips for a moment before continuing upward. “Are you…?”</p><p>Diego curled his hand around the back of Five’s neck and dragged him forward, bottling up his gasp with his lips.</p><p> </p><p>“Diego,” Five said breathlessly, hands clenching and unclenching in Diego’s shirt. “You — we — I —”</p><p>“Am I supposed to pick a pronoun or continue the list?” Diego murmured into his neck, relishing the way a little light nuzzling made Five’s whole body shudder. “Clue me in, baby.”</p><p>“We have to — we’re supposed to be —” Five panted, though he cut himself off with a delicious trapped whine before he could finish the sentence. </p><p>“You’re so sensitive,” Diego said, nuzzling the spot under his ear. “If I bite you here, I swear, you’re going to come in your pants.”</p><p>“‘M <em>not</em>,” Five said. “I’m — ah!” He jerked at Diego’s bite.</p><p>Diego grinned at him, teeth flashing. “Had to try it.”</p><p>Five finally managed to gather himself enough to shove Diego off. “Not until we’re done here,” he said, his attempt at sternness betrayed by the breathy lilt of his voice. “You’re going to have to wait.”</p><p>“I’ll wait,” Diego said, raising his hands innocently. </p><p>Five shot him a suspicious look.</p><p>“I’ll wait!” Diego said, laughing. “Just—”</p><p>“Always a bloody catch,” Five muttered.</p><p>“I’ll wait,” Diego said again, pitching his voice low. He skimmed his hand up Five’s side. “If you tell me what I’ve got to look forward to after we’re done.”</p><p>“You want me to dirty talk you in a terrorist compound?” Five said. “That’s what gets you off?” He turned away.</p><p>“You get me off, baby,” Diego said, dragging Five back against his chest and biting at his shoulder.</p><p>Five shivered. “Hands to yourself, Hargreeves.”</p><p>“I’ve never been good at following orders,” Diego said, mouthing up his neck.</p><p>“When we get back and Luther asks me for a mission debrief, I’m going to tell him all of this in detail, I hope you realize.”</p><p>“Kinky,” Diego said, and Five laughed.</p><p>“Just behave for 20 minutes, we’ve almost cleared the place.”</p><p>Diego frowned slightly. “Yeah, you don’t think it’s weird how little we’ve found?”</p><p>“They must have gotten wind of our arrival and cleared the place out,” Five said.</p><p>“Nah, but there’s no hint of anyone being here,” Diego said. “You’d expect physical evidence of the rushed getaway, but — there’s no tape marks on the wall, no unsettled furniture, no dustless spots where they grabbed the papers and ran. I don’t think this place was <em>ever </em>occupied.”</p><p>He stopped, because Five had paused. “Five?”</p><p>Five slammed him against the wall and stretched up to kiss him hard. Surprised but not displeased by any means, Diego wrapped his hands around his hips and poured himself into kissing back.</p><p>“What was that?” he said dumbly when Five finally released him.</p><p>Five looked up at him, eyes bright. “You’re hot when you’re competent.”</p><p>Diego gave a little laugh, sliding his hand to rest on the small of Five’s back. “So always?”</p><p>“Don’t push it,” Five said, getting on his tiptoes and kissing him again, briefly this time. Then he pulled off, drawing away with visible reluctance. “So you think we were fed a bad tip?”</p><p>“I think someone’s wasting our time on a wild goose chase,” Diego said. “Maybe the anonymous caller was one of them trying to distract us from their real game.”</p><p>“That’s what Luther’s looking into,” Five said. “But I’m inclined to agree, unfortunately.”</p><p>Diego reeled him in by the wrist and leaned in, speaking low in his ear, “On the plus side, that means we’re almost done here, and soon I can drag you out and raw you in the backseat of my car.”</p><p>Five turned his head so his lips brushed Diego’s when he murmured back, “You think I’m going to settle for that for our first time? Darling, I don’t think so.”</p><p>“Oh?” Diego ran his fingers lightly up the back of Five’s arm. </p><p>“Not enough room for you to fuck me as hard and deep as I want,” Five said. “And I <em>don</em><em>’</em><em>t</em> settle, Diego.”</p><p>Diego groaned appreciatively. “Fuck it, let’s just leave now.”</p><p>Five chuckled. “We only have two more rooms to look through. We might as well.”</p><p>“Fine,” Diego said, mostly because he wasn’t looking forward to the lecture from Luther once he found out Diego had slacked off on the job. “I’ll take this one.”</p><p>Five hummed in agreement, and they tried their respective doors on either side of the hallway.</p><p>“Hey, what’s that?” Diego said, seeing an odd piece of machinery in his room and stepping inside.</p><p>“What’s —” </p><p>Five’s words were cut off by a loud hissing sound, and the room filled with a fine, shimmering mist, coating Diego instantly, settling like dew on his skin.</p><p> </p><p>“I really think this is overkill,” Diego said, peeling his sweater off over his head. “I feel fine.” He dropped the sweater in the trash can Five was holding out. </p><p>“It’s amazing you’ve survived as long as you have with a sense of complacency like that,” Five said. </p><p>“I’m just saying, if you want to get me naked, there are easier ways of doing it,” Diego said, grinning.</p><p>Five shook his head, but he was smiling. “Can you take off your clothes without the commentary, please?”</p><p>“Nah,” Diego said. “The commentary’s the second best part, after the getting naked. You like it, hm?”</p><p>Five’s eyes were locked on the nipple ring that had been revealed when Diego shed his undershirt. Diego preened, stretching with his arms over his head.</p><p>“I do,” Five said, voice guttural. “Christ.”</p><p>“You want to touch it?” Diego said. “You can.”</p><p>Five lifted his hand as if in a daze, but stopped himself before he could get too close, wrenching away. “You have to shower,” he said. “I’m not risking it.”</p><p>“I’m fiiine,” Diego said. “Jesus, whatever they were going for didn’t work, that’s all there is to it.”</p><p>“That’s not up for you to decide,” Five said. “They baited us here for a reason, and I suspect this was exactly it. Grace and Pogo have to take a look at reverse-engineering the chemical compound’s function before I’m willing to say for sure.”</p><p>“And until they do, we’re not…?” Diego gestured between them.</p><p>Five hesitated, then shook his head.</p><p>Diego groaned. “We should have just left when we had the chance,” he grumbled.</p><p>“You’re right,” Five said, which sustained Diego for the ride home, even if he did have to sit in the backseat.</p><p> </p><p>“So?” Diego said, scrubbing his wet hair with a towel as he entered the lab. “Any news?”</p><p>“Actually,” Five said. “Yes.”</p><p>Diego raised his eyebrows. “Huh, sweet. I thought it would take longer.” He narrowed his eyes. Five wasn’t looking at him, which seemed ominous. “What was the drug?”</p><p>“Reverse-engineering it would have taken longer,” Five said. “Evidently Allison and Vanya’s mission was more successful. They found one of the scientists with his notes.”</p><p>“And…?” Diego lifted himself onto the counter, swinging his legs and looking at Five expectantly.</p><p>Five squinted into a microscope. Diego was nearly positive he was just finding any excuse to avoid meeting Diego’s eye. “You recall the aim of these particular enemies?”</p><p>“Yeah, to wipe out the Umbrella Academy, sure,” Diego said. “That’s all 30 pages of their whackjob manifesto.”</p><p>“Not the Umbrella Academy,” Five corrected. “All 43 of us who were born on October 1.”</p><p>“Okay?”</p><p>Five hesitated. “The aim is to eliminate.”</p><p>“Uh huh…?”</p><p>“But there are various ways of doing that,” Five continued, seeming reluctant. </p><p>“Jesus, just get to the point.”</p><p>Five tapped his finger in a rapid rhythm against the countertop. “Do you know anything about the attempt to banish the pigeons from Trafalgar Square?”</p><p>Diego blinked. “Yeah, they just stopped feeding them, right? Paid off the bird feed sellers to get gone?”</p><p>Five gave him a startled look.</p><p>“I read,” Diego said. “What’s your point?”</p><p>“Another idea was to feed the pigeons seed laced with birth control,” Five said. “I’ve read that farmers do similarly with geese that lay eggs on their properly. You don’t crush the egg — then the goose lays more. Instead, you addle it with corn oil to prevent the egg from being able to breathe. The fetus can’t develop, and the egg is effectively made into a stone, but the goose doesn’t know.”</p><p>“Just how bored were you during the apocalypse?” </p><p>Five waved his hand. “Beyond description. Do you see my point?”</p><p>“Not at all,” Diego said. “That was your attempt at making a point?”</p><p>Five huffed.</p><p>He was so cute when he did that. “You’re making a point about birth control. Saying it’s most effective when the subject… doesn’t know you’re doing it.”</p><p>Five looked away again.</p><p>“Wait, wait,” Diego said. “Did that mist shit <em>sterilize </em>me? Am I infertile? Jesus!”</p><p>“Not quite,” Five said.</p><p>Diego squinted at him.</p><p>“If you orgasm, you’ll die,” Five said with a grimace. </p><p>Diego’s eyes went wide.</p><p>“Bet you wish you’d just been sterilized now,” Five said.</p><p> </p><p>“So the aim is to prevent us from procreating,” Luther said grimly. </p><p>Even Klaus didn’t seem able to make a joke about it. </p><p>“They don’t like feeling inferior,” Five said, slowly stirring the contents of his coffee mug without drinking. “They’ve invented a caste system in their minds and they consider themselves to be on the lower rung. And how do you protect your children from being equally subjugated?”</p><p>There was a moment of quiet around the table.</p><p>Five looked at Allison. “Put Claire under heavy guard. I wouldn’t put anything past them.”</p><p>Allison paled. “I didn’t even think… Oh my god.”</p><p>“Just a precaution,” Five said. “But one worth taking.”</p><p>“Definitely,” Allison said, pushing back from the table. “I have to make a call.”</p><p>“Ultimately, the plan doesn’t change,” Luther said. “We have to find them and shut them down. Now we know a little more about their motives and methods, which isn’t a bad thing.”</p><p>“Excuse me?” Diego said. “They’ve made my dick a time bomb. That’s not a <em>good</em> thing.”</p><p>“It’s not a time bomb,” Five said. “Time bombs go off at a designated hour. Your trigger can be avoided.”</p><p>“Yeah, but—“</p><p>“Christ’s sake, Diego, you’re nearly 30 years old,” Luther said. “You can’t go a week without getting off even to save your own life?”</p><p>Diego scowled. “That’s not what I’m saying.”</p><p>“It sounds like what you’re saying,” Vanya said.</p><p>Diego looked at Five, who looked back, expression apologetic yet resigned, lower lip trapped under his teeth. Diego could see his own disappointment reflected in those big eyes.</p><p>It just wasn’t fucking fair.</p><p> </p><p>Diego stuck around in his seat at the table after they finished dinner, trading easy conversation with the others. After half an hour, Vanya made her excuses and headed home. An hour later, Allison had to make another phone call and left the table.</p><p>Diego waited impatiently for Five to leave so he could follow him, or at least for Klaus and Luther to leave them alone, but the minutes ticked by on the clock and none of them gave any sign of flagging. He finally gave up when Klaus suggested a friendly game of cards and Five actually seemed interested in taking him up on it, like he’d completely forgotten what had happened between them earlier in the day — like he had no particular eagerness to follow through.</p><p>“Sorry,” Diego said, tilting back in his chair and stretching. “Rain-check on that one, I’m pretty tired.”</p><p>“Don’t jerk off,” Klaus said brightly.</p><p>Diego grinned. “Where’s Dad’s abstinence lecture when you need it? Nothing better for celibacy than hearing him monologue about carnal sin and sexuality being the insidious weakness that would bring the Umbrella Academy crashing to its knees.”</p><p>“Guess he didn’t know how much we were all jerking off back then,” Luther said, leaning back in his chair. “Or maybe he did.”</p><p>Diego looked at him, shocked and delighted. “Shit, man!”</p><p>“I’m not <em>that</em> much of a prude, Diego,” Luther said, clearly trying to sound airy and indifferent, though Diego thought he spotted a faint blush high on his cheeks.</p><p>“Hey, I never know with you,” Diego said. Part of him wanted to stick around and grill Luther about his sex life, but he’d already given his excuses and he felt like he couldn’t take it back now. “Well, see you.”</p><p>He lingered for a moment, glancing at Five, but Five just looked back with benign neutrality, and Diego had to turn away before it became obvious that he was waiting for something he wasn’t going to get.</p><p> </p><p>Then he walked out of the house and found Five leaning against his car door. “I was starting to think you’d never leave,” Five said.</p><p>Diego’s mood soared, his stomach full of carbonation and light. He bounded down the final steps and stepped up close, pinning Five back against the car door. “I was waiting for you, jagoff.”</p><p>“I was waiting for you,” Five said, face tilted up. “I thought I was being obvious.”</p><p>“I thought I was,” Diego murmured, and he curled his hand under Five’s jaw and tipped him up into a slow kiss, pouring himself into it.</p><p>Five allowed it for a good ten seconds — fifteen, twenty, Diego lost track sometime around when Five’s hand slipped up the back of his shirt — but eventually pulled away. “You can’t get turned on, remember?”</p><p>“I’m not thirteen,” Diego said. “I can kiss a cute boy without getting a boner.” He kissed Five again before he could answer.</p><p>Five seemed convinced by this argument until Diego started grinding on him. Then he made a face and shoved at Diego’s shoulder. “Get off.”</p><p>“I’m not allowed, remember?” Diego said, mouthing down Five’s neck.</p><p>“Luther’s right, you’re a horndog,” Five said. “You can’t stop necking with me even if your life is at stake?”</p><p>“You think making out with you is going to make me come in my pants? You really must think I’m thirteen,” Diego said. He widened his eyes. “Oh wait.”</p><p>“Don’t say it,” Five said, flipping him off.</p><p>“Kiss me again and shut me up.”</p><p>Five smiled, reaching up and tracing Diego’s lips. “Sorry, darling. I’m the cautious sort.”</p><p>“One more,” Diego coaxed.</p><p>“If I believed that, I might,” Five said. He wriggled out from Diego’s arms. “I’ll let you know as soon as I dig up anything about an antidote. No jerking off.”</p><p>Diego caught him by the wrist. “Are you going to?”</p><p>“Jerk off?”</p><p>Diego nodded.</p><p>Five hesitated, licking his lips. Then he said, voice low, “Are you sure you want me to tell you?”</p><p>Diego groaned. “<em>Tease</em>.”</p><p>“You asked,” Five said, and warped away.</p><p>Diego leaned against the car, smiling up at the sky.</p><p> </p><p>A towel went sailing by over Diego’s head. He turned, pulling off his headphones. “Yeah?”</p><p>“Phone call for you,” Al said.</p><p>“Try aiming next time,” Diego said.</p><p>Al scowled at him.</p><p>Diego went and picked up the wall phone. “Hey?”</p><p>“Good news or bad news?”</p><p>Diego smiled when he recognized Five’s voice, relaxing against the wall. “Bad news first, right? Save the best for last?”</p><p>“It doesn’t make sense that way. The bad news is a continuation of the good news.”</p><p>“Then why’d you ask?”</p><p>“Think of it like the Spanish inverted question mark,” Five said.</p><p>“Whoa, whoa, hang on,” Diego said. “How come—“</p><p>“Grace and Pogo think they can synthesize an antidote.”</p><p>Diego lit up. “Seriously? How quickly?”</p><p>“That’s the bad news.”</p><p>Diego groaned.</p><p>“Grace estimates three weeks,” Five said. “You can survive that.”</p><p>“I appreciate your confidence in me,” Diego said. “There’s no chance it wears off on its own?”</p><p>“It might, actually,” Five said. “The notes seemed to indicate a high likelihood of it.”</p><p>“Wait, seriously?”</p><p>“Are you willing to risk it?”</p><p>Diego winced. “Good point.” He sighed. “This sucks.”</p><p>“I once went six months without coming,” Five said. “In the Apocalypse.”</p><p>Diego’s jaw dropped. “Shit, why? If I’d been alone and had nowhere to be, I’d have never taken my hand <em>off</em> my dick.”</p><p>“Boredom, mostly,” Five said. “Something to do.”</p><p>“Not coming is your definition of <em>something to do</em>?”</p><p>“Isn’t it?”</p><p>Diego laughed. “You’re insane.” He knew it sounded fond. He didn’t try to keep from it. “You get any tips for me out of that little hobby?”</p><p>“The usual,” Five said. “Cold showers, cardio, distraction — both physical and mental.”</p><p>“What about casual make-outs with your new fling?”</p><p>“Shockingly, it didn’t come up,” Five said. “New fling? Is that the term we’re using?”</p><p>“New BILF.”</p><p>“Pardon?”</p><p>“Brother I’d like to fuck,” Diego said, grinning.</p><p>Five snorted. “You’re all class.” He hesitated for a moment. “If you’d prefer to avoid temptation, would it be better if we didn’t see each other until…?”</p><p>Something inside Diego rebelled. Call it impatience, call it eagerness, call it a niggling anxiety — <em>out of sight, out of mind</em>, and what happened if three weeks turned into four turned into more and Five got sick of waiting?</p><p>“Nah,” he said. “We can still hang even if we can’t bone, right?”</p><p>Five didn’t answer.</p><p>Diego’s blood ran cold, ice water in his veins. “Unless — were you thinking about this as just…?”</p><p>“No,” Five said, so frankly that Diego couldn’t help but believe him. “But you’ve proven to be handsy when we’re alone together, and I know I’m going to get turned on, and I’m not convinced you’ll want to stop when that happens.”</p><p>“Dude, I like you, but you really think with the threat of death hanging over me I’m going to—“</p><p>“Diego,” Five said.</p><p>“Yeah, okay, it’s a fair point,” Diego said. “I’ll still grope you, not denying that. But I won’t push.”</p><p>Five gave a considering hum.</p><p>“We just started this thing,” Diego said, quieter. It was easier to say over the phone, without Five’s penetrating eyes boring into him. “Don’t tell me I’m not allowed to want it.”</p><p>Five inhaled slowly. “You’re a hard man to say no to.”</p><p>“Then don’t.”</p><p>“Alright,” Five said.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s that smell?” Five asked from behind Diego.</p><p>“If you’re gonna be doing this thing with me, you’re gonna have to learn to knock before coming into my apartment instead of barging in like a psycho,” Diego said.</p><p>“Is that a sincere complaint or are you posturing?”</p><p>“Does it make a difference?” Diego asked, glancing back over his shoulder.</p><p>“Yes,” Five said, seated at the table and looking up at him with frank sincerity.</p><p>Diego considered this response, then considered his answer. “A bit of each,” he said. “If I know you’re coming for a pre-arranged, uh, visit, you can warp in. If it’s a surprise to me, you gotta knock.”</p><p>“Alright,” Five said.</p><p>Diego smiled at him. “Thanks.”</p><p>“Of course,” Five said. “What’s that smell?”</p><p>“Etiquette lesson number two,” Diego said, pouring him a glass of wine. “<em>What</em><em>’</em><em>s that smell</em> is not the neutral-to-polite-aligned phrasing of that particular question. You might try saying, <em>Wow, Diego, something smells amazing, what are you cooking?</em> You might try, <em>What is that heavenly scent? </em>You have many options besides—“</p><p>“Did Grace do this to you?” Five said. “I never realized you were such a Miss Manners devotee.”</p><p>Diego flipped him off.</p><p>“What are you cooking, though?” Five said. In a sudden flash, he was standing behind Diego and leaning around him, peering into the pan.</p><p>“Seared salmon with lemon butter cream sauce,” Diego said. “You like it?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Five said. “It smells heavenly.”</p><p>“Better.”</p><p>Five looked up at him. “Can I taste?”</p><p>“When it’s ready,” Diego said, chuckling. “I swear, you’re as much of a dumpster raccoon as Klaus is.”</p><p>“I like good food,” Five said. He sipped from his glass of wine. “So is this your go-to <em>impress the girl on the first date</em> meal?”</p><p>Diego hesitated, caught.</p><p>“It’s not a bad thing,” Five said. “I like that you’re trying.”</p><p>“Honestly, usually I impress the girl with my fantastic dick,” Diego said. “But that party trick is off the table tonight, so I had to dig deeper in my bag.”</p><p>“You’re ridiculous,” Five said, smiling.</p><p>“I would rock your world, little man, don’t doubt me,” Diego said, flicking Five’s forehead. “I give good dick.”</p><p>“Until you can follow through, it’s all just empty promises,” Five shot back.</p><p>“Promises, sure,” Diego said, dropping his voice. “But they’re not empty.”</p><p>Five’s throat worked as he swallowed. Then he said, “Just serve the fucking salmon, Diego.”</p><p>Diego chuckled. “At your service, pretty babe.” He leaned in to kiss Five, but Five stepped back out of his reach, hand pressing against Diego’s sternum to keep him at a distance.</p><p>“The figurative chastity belt is locked,” he said sternly. “Get back to me in three weeks.”</p><p>Diego groaned. “I wish you cared about my safety a little less.”</p><p>“Forgive me for not apologizing,” Five said.</p><p> </p><p>“Diego,” Grace said, undeniably pleased at his arrival. “What a lovely surprise it is to see you here. Did you need something?”</p><p>“Just visiting,” Diego said, kissing her cheek. “You know if Five’s here?”</p><p>“Number Five and Luther went on a day trip to the American Museum of Natural History,” Grace said.</p><p>Diego laughed. Then he said, “Wait, seriously?”</p><p>“Luther was interested in an exhibit of black holes in the Hall of the Universe,” Grace said with a bright smile. “They left at 9:13 this morning, engaged in a spirited discussion about the anthropic principle.”</p><p>Diego smiled, imagining what a spirited discussion between Five and Luther would look like. He imagined it had fewer thrown punches than his own spirited discussions with Luther. “Cool.”</p><p>“Do you have a message you would like me to pass along to Number Five?”</p><p>“Oh, nah,” Diego said. For some reason, showing up and surprising Five was kosher, but it felt more embarrassing for Five to find out Diego had gone out of his way to see him. “You don’t have to tell him I dropped by.”</p><p>“Oh, it wouldn’t be a problem at all,” Grace assured him.</p><p>Diego coughed. “No, like… don’t tell Five I was here, okay?”</p><p>Grace looked at him, puzzled.</p><p>“It’s a surprise,” Diego said weakly.</p><p>Grace’s face cleared, accustomed if not entirely comprehending of the human appreciation for surprises. “How nice. As far as I know, he doesn’t have any plans tomorrow.”</p><p>“Good to know,” Diego said. “Maybe I’ll see you again tomorrow?”</p><p>“But how can you see me again tomorrow if you never saw me today?” she said, a little smile playing over her lips.</p><p>Diego laughed, always pleased whenever Grace’s strict coding broke open enough to show a little of her sparkle underneath. “Exactly. I was never here.”</p><p>Grace held her pointer finger to his lips. “I’m very good at keeping secrets.”</p><p> </p><p>That night, there was a knock on Diego’s door, and he opened it to find Five on the other side.</p><p>“Klaus told me you came to find me earlier,” Five said.</p><p>“Christ,” Diego said. Klaus was not very good at keeping secrets. He had every ability, but he never saw the point. “I was in the area. If you’d been free, I was gonna take you out for coffee or something. Not a big deal.”</p><p>“Is it too late to take you up on it?” Five said, tilting his head.</p><p>Diego smiled. Five could be so damn cute. “Nah. Want to go out, or…?”</p><p>Five opened his mouth, then shut it. “If I say I’d rather stay in, are you going to take it as a come-on?”</p><p>“No, I’d take it as you not wanting to go to any of the weird coffee shops that are open at this hour,” Diego said, chuckling and going to prepare his coffee maker. “But I like where your mind is at.”</p><p>“I think about it a lot,” Five said.</p><p>Five saying in a matter-of-fact tone that he thought about sex with Diego was hotter than any porn Diego had ever seen. “Yeah? This isn’t just torture for me?”</p><p>“Hardly,” Five said. “I hadn’t ever expected to be able to have you, so the absence wasn’t torturous. Knowing you would be sucking my cock by choice but not circumstance is worse by far.”</p><p>“You don’t even know how much I’d suck your cock by choice,” Diego said, dumping ground coffee into the filter. “I’d be on my knees getting it out of your pants so fast your dick would get friction burns.”</p><p>“Evocative,” Five said. “Ten points for imagery.”</p><p>“Hyperbole for the sake of clarity,” Diego said. “I’m emphasizing my point.” He hit the button and the coffee machine whirred to life, humming as the water heated. “I <em>really</em> want to suck your dick.”</p><p>“Talking about it is just teasing yourself,” Five said. “It wasn’t my intention to bring it up.”</p><p>“Course not, you brought it up by accident,” Diego said. He thought for a moment. “Can we at least make out until the coffee is ready?”</p><p>“Diego,” Five said.</p><p>“Five,” Diego said, smiling winningly at him.</p><p>Five bit his lower lip. Then he said, finally, “Hands stay outside of the clothes.”</p><p>“Agreed,” said Diego, reaching for him.</p><p> </p><p>Diego had Five’s body practically horizontal on the table, gone gorgeously pliant as Diego kissed down his neck. Diego was following the rules and his hands hadn’t delved under Five’s clothes — but it was probably cheating a little to have them kneading his ass as intently as he was. Sue him; Diego loved Five’s ass.</p><p>Five didn’t seem inclined to protest, his ankle hooked behind Diego’s thigh, back arched all the way off the table surface, giving sweet little breathy noises that rose in volume as the mark Diego was sucking onto his neck darkened in hue.</p><p>“Oh, sweetheart,” Diego said, his voice low. “God, you need it so fucking bad, don’t you? I can’t believe I didn’t see it before.”</p><p>“You say that like I’d be like this for — nnh, anyone,” Five said, hips rolling up. “Give yourself a little more credit, hm?”</p><p>“Thought you were always on me for having an inflated ego,” Diego said. He gripped Five’s hip, angling him at just the right position to rub up against Diego’s thigh, and Five moaned in response. “By all means, tell me more about how I’m the only guy who gets you this needy.”</p><p>“I didn’t say you were the <em>only</em> one,” Five said.</p><p>Diego gave a little growl against his neck, and Five laughed in response, breathless and light. “You should know I’m possessive,” Diego said, biting Five’s shoulder.</p><p>“You should know I like that,” Five murmured.</p><p>Diego groaned, hand scrabbling at the button of Five’s slacks, to hell with his rules, and Five lifted his hips invitingly and—</p><p>The coffee machine beeped.</p><p>Five’s hands came down on Diego’s shoulders.</p><p>“I didn’t hear that,” Diego said.</p><p>Five barked a laugh. “Something tells me you did.”</p><p>“You can’t prove it,” Diego said.</p><p>“Talk through that logic for me.”</p><p>Diego cursed under his breath. “You’re really going to make me…?”</p><p>“Get off,” Five said, pushing at his shoulders.</p><p>“Gladly,” Diego said with a leer even as he pulled away.</p><p>“Too obvious,” Five said, shaking his head.</p><p> </p><p>“So how is it?” Klaus said.</p><p>“How’s what?” Diego said, distracted as he squinted at the map spread out over his dashboard.</p><p>“Your unwilling stint of abstinence,” Klaus said. “Is it as bad as I imagine?”</p><p>“The imminent threat of death is a pretty good deterrent,” Diego said. “Anytime my dick starts to get hard, the thought of having my lungs rupture, my tongue boil, and my body puff up like a balloon before I die of asphyxiation cools my blood, you know?”</p><p>“Good god,” Klaus said. “Is that really what would happen?”</p><p>“Nah, that’s what happens if you get sucked into space without a suit,” Diego said, running his finger over his route to plan for the fewest turns on all the damn one-way streets. “Luther was talking about it. But it makes for a freaky enough mental image that I’ve been using it as a figurative cold shower.”</p><p>“Yikes,” Klaus said. “So you’re really just being good?”</p><p>“What other option do I have?”</p><p>Klaus shrugged. “I’m not saying you have one. Just impressed at how well you’re reacting. Unless, of course, you’re less sanguine behind closed doors than you’re leading me to believe right now.”</p><p>He looked shrewdly at Diego.</p><p>“What do you expect me to say, man?” Diego said. “That it sucks?”</p><p>“That’s a start,” Klaus granted.</p><p>Diego sighed. “Want me to tell you I haven’t gone this long without jerking off since I was 12 years old? That I forgot what it was like to be this kind of horny?”</p><p>“What kind of horny?”</p><p>“The kind of horny where you just want to rub your dick against everyone you see,” Diego said. “The kind of horny where a strong breeze gives you a boner and even passing references to sex make every explicit fantasy you’ve ever had start playing in your head like a song you can’t get out.”</p><p>“That blows, man.”</p><p>“It’s not that bad,” Diego said. “It’s three weeks. I’m being dramatic.”</p><p>“Can’t relate,” Klaus said cheerily. “Sounds like being so hungry that you look in the fridge and you can’t even pick something because it’s too much to decide, you know?”</p><p>“Pretty much,” Diego said.</p><p>“Any ideas for how you’re going to treat yourself when you get your dick back?”</p><p>Diego looked out the car window. “I’ve got a few.”</p><p> </p><p>Diego opened his door and smiled when he found Five on the other side. It made him feel entirely too warm and fuzzy when Five came to seek him out just because he wanted to see him. “You really took what I said about knocking to heart, huh?”</p><p>“You seemed to mean it,” Five said.</p><p>“Yeah, I meant it when we were 13 also, but that didn’t stop you from teleporting into my room whenever you felt like it.”</p><p>“Your high opinion of me mattered less then,” Five said.</p><p>“Do you still warp into Klaus’s room whenever you want?”</p><p>“His opinion of me doesn’t matter at all,” Five said. “Do you know how many times I’ve found him in the dumpster?”</p><p>Diego laughed, stepping aside and beckoning Five inside.</p><p>Five glanced at his exercise clothes. “Did I interrupt you working out?”</p><p>“Meditating,” Diego said.</p><p>“Should I come back later?”</p><p>Diego really liked that he offered. “Nah, I can be done.”</p><p>“How much longer were you…?”</p><p>Diego checked the clock. “Fifteen minutes.”</p><p>“Can I join you?” Five said.</p><p>Diego raised his eyebrows. “You meditate?”</p><p>“The apocalypse left something to be desired vis a vis leisure activities,” Five said. “And I needed a way to keep from getting twisted up on what-ifs, that catharsis. Single-minded absolution. I read a book about it.” He shrugged. “It helped. ”</p><p>“I guess it would,” Diego murmured. “Sure, yeah, you can join if you want.” He hesitated. “I’ve been doing it for years,” he added, strangely bothered by the idea of Five thinking this was a new habit borne of not being able to jerk off.</p><p>Five smiled, folding himself onto the floor and getting comfortable. “Good for you,” he said, sounding like he meant it.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s sex like in space?” Diego asked, tossing the peeled potato in his hand into the pot and grabbing a fresh one.</p><p>“You know I was alone there, right?” Luther said, chopping carrots for the salad.</p><p>Diego rolled his eyes. “Jerking off, I mean. Can you get a boner in space?”</p><p>“Yeah,” Luther said. “I’d read that you can’t because of blood flow in microgravity, but whoever theorized that was working off some inaccurate assumptions.”</p><p>“You know that for a fact?” Diego said, peeling the potato with quick, confident flicks of his wrist.</p><p>Luther cleared his throat.</p><p>“Right,” said Diego. “So hypothetically, could one have sex in space?”</p><p>“Sex, or jerking off?”</p><p>“Either,” Diego said. “Both.”</p><p>“On the moon or on the spacecraft?”</p><p>“What’s the difference?”</p><p>“The moon base had simulated conditions to match Earth,” Luther said. “Including atmosphere and gravity. The spacecraft was less of an analogue.”</p><p>“Dude,” Diego said. “I was just wondering if it’s possible to jerk off in space, I don’t need the lecture on the moon base’s artificial climate. Answer the damn question.”</p><p>“Yes,” said Luther. “Hypothetically.”</p><p>“Huh,” Diego said. “The more you know.”</p><p>“Indeed,” Luther said, blushing.</p><p> </p><p>Diego woke up in darkness, just as the sun was starting to filter through the curtains. He propped himself up on his elbows, letting his eyes adjust. Then he smiled.</p><p>Five had done his usual shit and stolen the covers, and he was burrowed like a little field mouse against the wall, buried in blankets, adorable as hell. Diego had no idea how he wasn’t overheating under all of them.</p><p>Someday soon, Diego thought, he was going to wake up like this and twine himself around Five, pressing his erection into the small of his back and grinding forward. Five would awaken with a confused little murmur that would turn into a groan when he realized what was happening.</p><p><em>Horndog</em>, he would say, or <em>Really? Now?</em></p><p>But he would roll over agreeably enough, starting pliant to Diego’s kisses but heating up under them, going tense in the way Diego couldn’t get enough of. This time, he wouldn’t push Diego away when their hard cocks rubbed together — he’d moan, grinding back, letting lazy hands wander over Diego’s shoulders and arms.</p><p><em>Can I?</em> Diego would ask, and Five would spread his legs and say <em>Yeah</em>, <em>do it. I</em><em>’</em><em>m still loose from last night</em>.</p><p>It would be so easy to slide his fingers inside him — two of them right from the start, slicked from the bottle of lube they’d leave out on the bedside table because there’d be no point in putting it back in the drawer every time. Five’s fingers would clutch on Diego’s shoulder, his breath going shaky. He’d latch his ankle behind Diego’s thigh, riding his hand shamelessly.</p><p><em>Hurry</em>, he’d say.</p><p>Diego wouldn’t, though, he’d take it slow, he’d make it last, basking in the early morning hour when anything was possible and they had nowhere else to be. A strip of light would fall just right from the windows to highlight Five’s eyes, make them glow.</p><p><em>Please</em>, Five would say, shuddering, and Diego would sink into him, inch by inch by inch, so slowly it was torture for himself as much as Five.</p><p>But God, when they got going — He was going to nail Five into the mattress. His cries were going to echo off the pipes.</p><p>Soon, he figured, and he wrapped his arm around Five and tucked against his back, trying to ignore the stubborn throb of his morning wood.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s this?” Grace said, accepting the carved wooden shark figurine with a puzzled look.</p><p>“I made it,” Diego said. “If you want it.”</p><p>“Why, Diego darling, it’s lovely,” she said. “I didn’t know you had taken up whittling.”</p><p>“Yeah, well,” Diego said. “I’ve had some time on my hands.”</p><p>From the parlor, Klaus snorted.</p><p> </p><p>He had his head on Five’s lap and Five’s fingers in his hair and a book propped abandoned on his chest, and it was so damn good that when Five stopped working his fingers over his scalp, Diego whined like a kicked puppy.</p><p>He opened his eyes. “Why?” he said plaintively.</p><p>“I’m not a sadist,” Five said, eyes locked on the bulge in Diego’s exercise shorts.</p><p>“It’d be sadistic of you to stop,” Diego said. “Come on, keep going.”</p><p>“Do you mean that?” Five said. “Christ, it feels like I’m just tormenting you.”</p><p>“It’s the good kind of torment,” Diego said, nuzzling back against Five’s hand. “Isn’t it my call?”</p><p>“Masochist,” Five said, going back to carding his fingers through Diego’s hair.</p><p>“Nah,” Diego said. “Just horny and desperate.” He hesitated. “Okay, maybe a little masochistic. Still rather be tormented than not get anything.”</p><p>Five smiled. “Remember the tricks I was telling you before, from the six months I spent…?”</p><p>Diego looked at him. “Yeah?”</p><p>“There’s another one I didn’t tell you earlier.”</p><p>“…Yeah?” Diego said.</p><p>“Leaning into it,” Five said. “Thinking about it.”</p><p>“Why would that help with blue balls?”</p><p>“I didn’t say it helped,” Five said, voice low.</p><p>Diego licked his lips. “Say more?”</p><p>“If you really want the good kind of torment,” Five said. “There’s always the option of… living vicariously.”</p><p>“Say more,” Diego said, voice even lower.</p><p>Five’s hand drifted off Diego’s head, settling over the suddenly noticeable bulge in his own pants. “Say, or do?”</p><p>Diego sat up.</p><p> </p><p>“Talk me through it, baby,” Five said, jerking his cock in long, slow strokes up and down the full length. “Use that pretty mouth. I bet you’re good at it.”</p><p>“I am,” Diego said hoarsely, eyes fixed on Five’s hand, the flushed head of his cock peeking out from his fist as he passed over it.</p><p>“Fuck, I knew it, I can tell just by looking at you,” Five said. “Talk.”</p><p>“Do you have any idea how pretty you are?” Diego said. “I bet you haven’t had many people telling you that over your life, have you?”</p><p>Five opened his mouth.</p><p>“Whatever number it was, it wasn’t enough,” Diego said. “Believe me, I know from pretty. Every fucking thing about you is gorgeous.”</p><p>Christ, was Five blushing? Diego shifted, leaning forward, and Five’s hand slowed on his cock.</p><p>Reluctantly, Diego moved back. “Yeah, yeah,” he said. “Don’t worry, I’m being good.”</p><p>“Inasmuch as you’re able,” Five said, resuming his stroking.</p><p>They’d ended up with Diego kneeling with his hands clasped behind his back. <em>If you move them, I</em><em>’</em><em>ll stop</em>, Five had said. It was a real threat.</p><p>“I’ll be good,” Diego said. “Christ, if this was the kind of reward I normally got for good behavior, I wouldn’t break the rules so much. You’re the definition of temptation, sweetheart, I’m yours to command.”</p><p>Five arched his hips, his rhythm starting to speed up.</p><p>“You like that, huh?” Diego said. “Like the idea of telling me what to do? I don’t listen to just anyone, baby, but I’d listen to you. You could order me to do anything. I’d hit my knees at a word.”</p><p>Five moaned. The fingers of his free hand were clenched on the sofa cushion, his heels braced against the concrete floor.</p><p>“Won’t even make you say please,” Diego rasped, his own cock throbbing in the confines of his pants. “Just pout those pretty lips at me and I’m gone. Or — fuck — use that cool voice you get, the one when you’re right and you know you are, and you want everyone else to know it too.”</p><p>Five peeked down at him from under his messy curtain of hair. “You really, nnh, like that?”</p><p>“It’s so hot,” Diego said, meaning it. “I love when you’re bossy. Love when you don’t put up with anyone’s shit. Gets me hot when you take charge.”</p><p>Five’s chest was rising and falling rapidly now, sweat shining on his temples, hand making lewd slick sounds as it moved up and down his shaft.</p><p>“God, you’re so desperate,” Diego marveled. “Hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen, I swear. When’s the last time you came, baby? You need it so bad.”</p><p>“I don’t, nnh, know,” Five panted out, pearly liquid leaking over his knuckles. “Weeks.”</p><p>“Weeks?” Diego said. “You’re not in the apocalypse anymore, why are you withholding from yourself? Christ, man.”</p><p>Five didn’t say anything, his breathing choppy and irregular as he stroked himself.</p><p>Something occurred to Diego. “Is it for me?”</p><p>Five nodded.</p><p>“You’re not jerking off because I can’t?” Diego said, voice dropping into a rumble. “Is that right?”</p><p>Five whined, rocking up into his own hand, coiled as tight as a drawn bow. “Call it — solidarity.”</p><p>“Oh, sweetheart, you don’t have to do that,” Diego said, touched. “I wouldn’t ask you to.”</p><p>“Seemed fair,” Five said. “Does that — ah, <em>ah</em>! — mean I can —“</p><p>“Come, I want you to come,” Diego said. “Let me see you.” In that moment, it was the most important thing in the world to him — he would rather witness Five’s orgasm than have one himself.</p><p>Five’s already tense body tightened even further as he came, spilling thickly, painting himself in streaks of white. Diego barely registered the hungry noise that came out of his own mouth, so turned on he was dizzy from it, every part of him aching — to touch Five, to touch himself. He could feel his throbbing cock like a limb, the way it was leaking a wet spot through his shorts.</p><p>They sat gathering themselves in the ensuing silence, broken only by their ragged breathing. Diego’s fingers were locked so tightly behind his back that he’d lost circulation, but he couldn’t bring himself to move them.</p><p>“Wish I could return the favor,” Five said finally. “Wish I could…”</p><p>“Soon,” Diego said.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Diego said, pushing off from his lean against Eudora’s car as she approached, shooting him a wary look. He held up a pair of boxing gloves. “Wanna?”</p><p>“You need healthier coping mechanisms,” she said, which wasn’t a no.</p><p>“This <em>is</em> my healthier coping mechanism.”</p><p>Eudora laughed, taking the gloves by the strings. “I suppose I should be encouraging that.”</p><p>“That’s the spirit,” Diego said, climbing into the passenger seat of her car. He hated her gym, so this wasn’t an offer made on a whim, which she knew. Those froufy bubbling fountains in the lobby, god damn, and all the scented lotions — Leaving the gym smelling better than when he arrived just felt like missing the point.</p><p>She glanced at him as she turned the key in the ignition. “What’s the occasion?”</p><p>“I can’t jerk off for the month,” Diego said. “It’s getting old.”</p><p>Eudora gave a delighted peal of laughter. “You’re serious?”</p><p>“As a grave.”</p><p>“It’s not even November,” she said. “How did you get yourself into that?”</p><p>“I didn’t say I wasn’t jerking off, I said I <em>can</em><em>’</em><em>t</em> jerk off,” Diego said.</p><p>Her brow furrowed.</p><p>“You know those whackjob terrorist manifestos they’ve been running in the <em>Post</em>? They just ran the third one a few weeks ago, call themselves the Chosen Ones?”</p><p>Eudora shot him a disapproving frown. “If you tell me you’ve been investigating that on your own, I’m kicking you out of the car right now, no joke. You can walk back.”</p><p>Technically Diego hadn’t been investigating <em>on his own</em>, so he didn’t have any problem saying, “I wasn’t, I swear.”</p><p>She looked at him dubiously.</p><p>“<em>I</em> wasn’t,” Diego said, and grinned. “We didn’t find anything, anyway.”</p><p>Eudora groaned. “Have I ever told you that your siblings are a bad influence on you?”</p><p>“You’ve mentioned,” Diego said. “Come on, they’re targeting the seven of us specifically. You can’t really expect us to stand back while nothing gets done about it.”</p><p>It was a federal case and she didn’t have jurisdiction anyway, and he knew it was that more than agreement that made her shake her head in resignation.</p><p>“Anyway, we went to check out this tip and I got doused with some chemical that might kill me if I orgasm,” Diego said. “Thus, my current predicament.”</p><p>“My god, you <em>are</em> serious,” Eudora said. “How’s that going for you? Having a hard time of it?”</p><p>Diego narrowed her eyes at her.</p><p>Her lips twitched.</p><p>“You did that on purpose,” Diego said.</p><p>“Can you blame me?”</p><p>“It’s just the lamest fucking line, Jesus,” Diego said. “Corny humor.”</p><p>“Dad jokes,” she said.</p><p>“If my dad had made shitty jokes like that while I was growing up, I’d have left sooner,” Diego said.</p><p>“Man, you get testy when you’re blue-balled,” she remarked.</p><p>“You also did <em>that</em> on purpose.”</p><p>Eudora grinned.</p><p>“You’re not lending a very sympathetic ear,” Diego said. “I’m having a miserable fucking month and you’re sitting back laughing at me about it like an asshole.”</p><p>“People do No-Nut November all the time, forgive me for not throwing you the pity party you want,” Eudora said. “I think you’ll survive.”</p><p>“Yeah, that’s kinda the whole idea,” Diego said. “It still sucks.”</p><p>“Yes, I’m sure it’s very difficult for you not to jerk off for a few weeks,” she said. “My heart bleeds.”</p><p>Diego looked down at his hands. “I just got together with someone. Like… <em>just</em>.”</p><p>“Ah,” Eudora said, turning into her gym parking lot. “Quick end to the honeymoon period.”</p><p>“We never even <em>entered</em> the honeymoon period,” Diego said. “We’d barely even kissed before I got…” He waved down at himself. “And now I can’t even do anything with him.”</p><p>“You can still do things with him,” Eudora said. “You just can’t… do <em>everything</em> with him.”</p><p>Diego turned his gaze forward out the front window, avoiding her eyes. “Look, you know how I’m… how I can’t — how I’ve never been very good at — You know?”</p><p>He could practically hear her rueful smile. “Yes, I know.”</p><p>“Well, he’s the same way. And I think he likes me — I <em>know</em> he likes me — but without being able to touch him there’s no back and forth, no assurance, no — reverberation.” Diego curled his hands into fists in his lap. “I want him to know, and I’ve never been good at showing it, and the one way I’ve ever been good at has been taken away from me. It sucks to kiss him when it feels like getting cut off before the conversation even starts.”</p><p>She was silent. The car engine ticked as it cooled down. Light laughter from outside drifted through the open window.</p><p>“It’s like building a house without having the foundation set,” Diego said. “And I want there to be a foundation. Don’t tell me it’s just sex,” he added, already irritable even before she said it. “<em>Just sex</em> isn’t just anything for me.”</p><p>“I know,” she said, her voice soft. “I loved having sex with you for that reason. It was like you were saying something you didn’t have the words for, and you were <em>good</em> at it.”</p><p>He looked at her, grateful, relieved.</p><p>“Honestly, if the sex hadn’t been so good, I wouldn’t have stayed with you as long as I did,” she said.</p><p>“Christ, when you put it that way, do you get why it’s a problem?” Diego said, carding his hand roughly through his hair.</p><p>“Yeah,” she said. “Is it getting figured out?”</p><p>Diego let out a harsh breath, forcing himself to dial it back. “Yeah. Hopefully soon. Within the month.”</p><p>“I guess you’re going to have to find another way to say it in the interim time,” she said, and climbed out of her seat, carrying the boxing gloves. “Come on, Hargreeves. Let’s go work out some of that rage.”</p><p>Diego followed her out of the car. “See if you can even keep up, man.”</p><p> </p><p>He got a call from the Academy one day. “Good news,” Luther said without preamble.</p><p>“Is the antidote finished?” Diego said.</p><p>There was a pause. “No.”</p><p>“Then don’t lead with <em>good news</em>,” Diego said. “It’s a cruel thing to do to my expectations, you know what’ll be on my mind.”</p><p>“I think they’re making progress?”</p><p>“Was <em>that</em> the good news?”</p><p>“No,” Luther said. “The good news wasn’t related to your dick one way or another.”</p><p>“Then it’s not good enough news to be noteworthy.”</p><p>Luther huffed. “The FBI cracked the Chosen Ones case. They did a raid on two of their hideouts yesterday and found a bunch of people, along with a research lab and a demolition workshop. They got the leader and everything.”</p><p>“Oh, shit,” Diego said. “Wait, so it’s possible they found the antidote?”</p><p>“Diego, they rounded up the terrorist cult that’s trying to murder us all,” Luther said. “Let’s move past the effect it’s having on your sex life, okay?”</p><p>Diego scowled. “Why, was there something else you needed to tell me?”</p><p>There was a beat of silence. “No,” Luther said.</p><p>“Then let’s get back to my sex life, shall we?” Diego said. “The antidote?”</p><p>Luther sighed. “Maybe. It sounds like they found a lot of unidentified chemical compounds. It’s likely they— Christ, hang on, Klaus is trying to say something. What, Klaus?”</p><p>There was muffled speaking on his end.</p><p>“Corn flakes? Why would Diego—“</p><p>More muffled speaking.</p><p>“What do you mean, that’s why they invented corn flakes? What are you talking about?”</p><p>More unintelligible sounds.</p><p>“Jesus Christ. I’m not saying that.”</p><p>Gibberish.</p><p>“No, I’m not.”</p><p>Gibberish.</p><p>“No, I’m — No. No. Still no. Jesus, Klaus—!”</p><p>There was a rustling on the line, like someone was trying to wrestle the phone out of someone else’s hand.</p><p>Diego hung up. Luther would call back if it was actually important.</p><p> </p><p>“Diego, Diego,” Five panted, pushing at Diego’s shoulders even as his hips rocked up in helpless little bursts, straining for contact, for more. “You have to — stop — <em>stop</em>, ah!”</p><p>“Don’t want to,” Diego mumbled, grinding back down, every fiber of his being luxuriating in the pressure against his cock. Nothing had ever felt so good.</p><p>Five moaned, breathing heavily through his open mouth, eyelashes fluttering — the most beautiful fucking thing — painfully amenable in Diego’s arms, like something he could actually have, something he’d get to keep. “But—“</p><p>“Just— just—“ Diego slid his hand around the back of Five’s thigh, hitching him up into a better position to press between his legs and fuck forward into the cradle of his hips.</p><p>Five’s breath hitched, and for five perfect seconds Diego was in heaven, his body alight —</p><p>Then Five’s body vanished and Diego dropped forward onto the mattress in the abrupt absence left behind.</p><p>He dropped his head into his hands, dragging in air in ragged gulps and hearing Five’s equally uneven breathing across the room. “What’s the likelihood the serum’s worn off by now?” Diego asked.</p><p>“Don’t ask stupid questions.”</p><p>Diego grinned loosely. “Yeah, you’re right.” He rolled onto his back, reaching down to adjust his trapped dick in his pants.</p><p>“Diego,” Five said sharply.</p><p>“Relax, I’m just —“ Diego shifted. “Getting comfortable.”</p><p>“You can get comfortable with your hand off your dick.”</p><p>“I really can’t,” Diego said. “The head’s caught against the zipper of my jeans.” It was even true — for the first second, at least.</p><p>“<em>Diego</em>.”</p><p>Diego reluctantly pulled his hand away from his dick. “Fascist dictator.”</p><p>Five snorted. “I’m choosing not to engage.”</p><p>“Is that what they teach you in the fascist dictator training manual?” Diego asked, turning his head to grin at him.</p><p>Five, to his credit, kept ignoring him, as if that was going to make Diego stop. He had his <em>I</em><em>’</em><em>m not listening to you </em>expression on, flat and imperious, eyes closed, and Diego took the opportunity to admire him when Five wouldn’t notice and get shy about it.</p><p>Then Diego took a closer look.</p><p>The lines by Five’s eyes were tight, and the set of his jaw indicated it was clenched. His chest was rising and falling so evenly it could only be deliberate.</p><p>Five wasn’t ignoring him. Five was <em>turned on out of his mind</em>, Diego realized.</p><p>Diego was rolling out of the bed in an instant, sinking down between Five’s legs in another. Five couldn’t have teleported there faster.</p><p>Five’s eyes opened and he yelped, startling back. “Don’t you dare,” he said.</p><p>“You’re the one that jerked off in front of me,” Diego said, hands scrambling to undo Five’s fly before he could gather himself to warp away.</p><p>“It’s different,” Five said, grabbing Diego’s wrist to still him.</p><p>“It’s <em>not</em>,” Diego insisted.</p><p>“I’m not going to—“</p><p>Diego looked up into his eyes. “Please,” he said.</p><p>Five inhaled sharply.</p><p>“I want this,” Diego said. “Let me.”</p><p>Five’s fingers squeezed his wrist, then fell away.</p><p>Diego didn’t bother waiting for further permission.</p><p> </p><p>He liked this, and he was good at it, alternating teasing Five with little licks and swallowing him down, keeping him just on the edge. Whenever Five got too close, Diego would draw away to trail open-mouthed kisses down his shaft, and every time Five lost his mind a little bit more.</p><p>“Diego,” he begged, fingers locked in Diego’s hair, twisting just on the right edge of painful. “Diego, Diego, do it, let me, God.”</p><p>Diego nuzzled at his inner thigh, nipping with his teeth. “So pretty,” he said, looking up into Five’s eyes. “You have any idea how good you sound when you’re overwhelmed, sweetheart?”</p><p>“You’ve said,” Five managed, hooking his foot behind Diego’s back and trying to draw him closer. “Want to — see how good I sound when I — come?”</p><p>“I remember it,” Diego said, catching Five’s cock in his hand and holding it steady while he lapped his tongue in little flicks against the underside. “Couldn’t forget it even if I wanted to.”</p><p>Five gasped, hips trying vainly to jump up, held in place by Diego’s strong arm.</p><p>“Speaking of coming,” Diego said, “have you done it again since…?”</p><p>Five tossed his head from side to side, sweaty hair flopping in front of his eyes.</p><p>“Baby,” Diego said, warmed, <em>heated</em>. “I told you, you don’t have to do that.”</p><p>“I know, but,” Five said, “for you — <em>want</em> to.”</p><p>Diego hesitated, tempted, willpower hanging by a thread. He looked up into Five’s eyes, wild and dark and wet at the corners, and the thread snapped.</p><p>He surged forward, wrapping his mouth around Five’s cock and sinking down, and this time he didn’t stop, sliding down inch by inch, inhaling him until Five’s cock was all he could feel, taste, enveloping the entire thing until Five was breathing in punched-out little gasps, sounding almost wounded and entirely overwhelmed.</p><p>“Can I —?” he said, and Diego nodded <em>yes</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“I gotta tell you, Hargreeves,” Al said, clapping his back. “Whatever training you’ve been doing for the last month, it’s working. Never seen you lit up with this kind of fire before.”</p><p>Diego debated telling him the truth if just to see the look on the poor old bastard’s face. “Must be the new protein powder,” he said instead.</p><p>“Is that code for steroids?” Al said, narrowing his eyes.</p><p>Diego barked a laugh. “No.”</p><p>“Then you keep that up,” Al said. “But don’t go spreading the word. Once the other boys find out…”</p><p>“They’ll all want in,” Diego agreed. “My lips are sealed.”</p><p>Al nodded wisely.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, pumpkin,” Diego heard from behind him before a hand came down on his shoulder.</p><p>Instinctively, he ducked, catching and twisting the hand behind his assailant’s back.</p><p>“Ow,” said Klaus.</p><p>Diego released him. “Dumbass. Don’t surprise me like that.”</p><p>“Should have known you’d have too much unagi for that,” Klaus said. He pursed his lips. “Or maybe not enough unagi. One or the other.”</p><p>“What?” Diego said, baffled.</p><p>“Never mind.” Klaus cocked his head at him. “Honestly, I’m surprised to see you out of your apartment. I figured you’d be sequestered there for a good 24 hours at the very least.”</p><p>“Are you going to start making sense at any point?” Diego said. “I’m too tired to parse your bullshit.”</p><p>“How am I the one being confusing?” Klaus said. “I’m just saying.”</p><p>“Saying <em>what</em>.”</p><p>“Ugh,” Klaus said, as if Diego was the problem here. “Your hand, your dick, a beautiful partnership, you know.”</p><p>“Wait,” Diego said, a kernel of hope igniting in his chest. He tried to temper it. “Are you saying…?”</p><p>“Ohh, Five didn’t catch you?” Klaus waved. “That explains something. He went to bring you the serum hours ago. I guess he must have missed you. They finished doing — wow, okay, rude!” he called after Diego’s departing back.</p><p>Diego saluted him over his shoulder without turning around.</p><p> </p><p>Diego found Five reading in the boiler room, curled up on the sofa with his feet tucked under himself. He looked up when Diego entered. “Hey,” he said, sliding a bookmark in place.</p><p>An actual <em>bookmark</em>. Christ, Diego adored him.</p><p>“I hope I’m not here at a—“ Five’s words went muffled when Diego bottled them up with his lips, eyes flying open before they fluttered shut. He let himself be kissed, hands hovering uncertainly for a moment before settling on Diego’s biceps.</p><p>Diego kissed him until he was panting and flushed, and Five had to be the one to break away eventually to breathe. “Someone told you,” he said, looking up at Diego from very close.</p><p>“Klaus,” Diego murmured, trailing his lips down Five’s neck. He gripped Five’s hips. “Don’t hold back. Tease me any other night, but not now.”</p><p>“Drink the serum first and we’ll talk,” Five said, lifting a glass vial.</p><p>Diego held out his hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck,” said Five, ankle hooked behind Diego’s back, riding his hips up into the grind of Diego’s palm. “<em>Fuck</em>.”</p><p>“Fucking gorgeous,” Diego said. “I never get over how fucking gorgeous you are, do you know that?” He leaned in, biting at Five’s nipple to make him thrash.</p><p>“Nnh, says the supermodel,” Five said breathily, back arching.</p><p>Diego grinned. Call him an egotist, but he loved hearing that in Five’s matter-of-fact tone. “So I know from gorgeous.”</p><p>“Guess that tracks,” Five said. He moaned, bucking his hips at Diego’s tough. “Fucking cocktease, I thought you said — not to do that tonight.”</p><p>“I said you can’t tease me,” Diego said. “Didn’t say anything about other way around.” He thumbed at the slit of Five’s cock, spreading around the pre-come that was leaking out.</p><p>Five inhaled raggedly. Then, like water through Diego’s fingers, he was gone, and Diego had to scramble not to tip over in his sudden absence.</p><p>“If you’re pranking me with that antidote, I find it wildly unfunny,” he said, sitting upright.</p><p>Or — trying to. He got halfway to a seat when a weigh on his back slammed him forward into the bed, face mashed in the pillow.</p><p>“I’m not pranking you,” Five said in his ear, very close. “But you’ve already had your chance to touch me, suck me, see what I look like when I’m overwhelmed and needy. I’d say it’s my turn, wouldn’t you?”</p><p>His cock was nestled in the cleft of Diego’s ass, and Diego felt a sudden throb of rare desire. He didn’t bottom often, but —</p><p>This wasn’t an <em>often</em> scenario.</p><p>“Besides, you said I could order you to do anything,” Five said. “Said you hit your knees at a word. Well, darling, consider this an order.”</p><p>Diego’s breath hitched and he had to restrain himself from grinding his hips into the mattress, body tensing from the effort.</p><p>Five chuckled, a laugh as warm and rich as honeyed whiskey. “Oh, you like that, huh? You want that?”</p><p>“Uh huh,” Diego managed.</p><p>“Say it,” Five said.</p><p>A shiver wracked Diego. “I want that,” he whispered.</p><p>“Good boy,” Five said. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to tease.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Jesus</em>,” Diego said.</p><p>“Hm?”</p><p>“What happened to — not teasing?” he said, strangled, cock twitching and fingers twisted in the sheets.</p><p>Five looked up at him. “I’m not.”</p><p>“What do you call this?”</p><p>“Incidental contact,” Five said.</p><p>Diego barked a hoarse laugh.</p><p>Five had two fingers stretching Diego open, his tongue laving little kitten licks over his dick. He kept brushing over Diego’s prostate, but he refused to follow a rhythm so Diego couldn’t learn to expect it. Bullshit was it <em>incidental contact.</em></p><p>“Are you telling me you want me to stop?” Five said, punctuating this with a particularly thorough rub against his prostate.</p><p>Diego made a sound that wasn’t a yes or a no — a groan that rumbled out of him so deep it seemed to shake the bed.</p><p>“Is that a yes?” Five said, his voice sweet.</p><p>“No,” Diego rasped out. “S’not. Keep — <em>God</em>.”</p><p>Five added a third finger, as if in response.</p><p>“God,” said Diego again. “God!” He threaded his fingers through Five’s soft hair. He didn’t try to manhandle him, allowing Five full range of movement, but at least it felt like having some microscopic modicum of control as Five took him apart in pieces.</p><p>Five looked up at him, pretty lips curved in a pretty smirk, utterly breathtaking. “I won’t tease, Diego,” he said. “As soon as you’re ready for my cock, I’ll give it to you.”</p><p>“Who gets to — say if I’m ready?” Diego said.</p><p>“I think we both know the answer to that,” Five said, smirk widening.</p><p>Diego moaned, cock spilling pre-come. “<em>Jackass</em>.” He should never have told Five he liked that voice on him; the fucker was enjoying this far too much.</p><p>“Diego,” Five said. “Did you really think I was going to settle for a mediocre lay? Did you think I was going to make this forgettable?”</p><p>“No,” Diego said, helpless to say anything but the truth. “No, I knew you wouldn’t.”</p><p>Five kissed his inner thigh. “Manipulative.”</p><p>“Who is?”</p><p>“You are,” Five said. “You know I could never keep teasing you when you look up at me with those big sweet shark eyes and tell me I can.”</p><p>“You <em>can</em>,” Diego said. “Nnh, you can do — anything.”</p><p>“See?” Five murmured, pressing his lips to Diego’s palm. “Manipulative.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, ’n I thought I’d be — showing you a good time,” Diego said, squirming as Five fucked him, back arching off the bed. “Feeling, fuck, stupid about that now.”</p><p>“You’ll show me a good time tomorrow night,” Five said, forearms planted on either side of Diego’s body, moving in and out in long, through strokes. “And the night after, and the night, nnh, after.”</p><p>“Shit,” Diego said, breathing heavily. He was pretty sure he’d never been this hard. “I mean, not complaining, but — shit — I didn’t take you for such a fuckin’ sex fiend.”</p><p>Five changed the angle the tiniest increment, rubbing just right against Diego’s prostate. “I’m not a sex fiend.”</p><p>“You — know what I mean,” Diego choked out.</p><p>“You’re mistaken,” Five said, and even his voice was starting to sound strained. “I can go for — ah — a very long time not having sex at all without, Christ, noticing or caring. But once I find the right person — and it has to be the <em>right</em> person — I’m insatiable.”</p><p>His eyes gleamed. “I want it every way, in every position, whenever the urge strikes me. I want to glut myself on you.”</p><p>“I think that’s just — a wordy way of saying — <em>sex fiend</em>,” Diego said. As a burn, it would have landed better if he could get it out as a full sentence without moaning, he thought.</p><p>“Fine, then,” Five said, and swiveled his hips just right to make Diego <em>shout</em>. “I’m a sex fiend.”</p><p>“Fffuck yeah you are.”</p><p>“No,” Five said, catching his wrist when Diego reached down to grab his cock. “Not yet.”</p><p>“God, you twisted bastard,” Diego said, and he could hear the worship in his own voice. “Let me, <em>let me</em>, I need it.”</p><p>“Soon,” Five promised, and he picked up the pace, slamming Diego back into the mattress, knocking hitched little gasps out of him in a rhythm. “Soon—“</p><p>“Now,” Diego said, writhing. He could feel his orgasm coming at him like a freight train. “Five, fuck, I can’t, I can’t!”</p><p>“You can,” Five said.</p><p>Diego near-sobbed, his entire body on fire, so damn close. <em>“Five.”</em></p><p>“You can,” Five said, and released his wrist. “Do it.”</p><p>Diego’s hand flew to his cock, wrapping around it, absolute rapture — single-minded absolution in the tight grip of his fingers. He managed three strokes before he was tipping over the precipice and falling into the void.</p><p> </p><p>When he came to, Five was tucked against his side, tracing aimless shapes over his chest with a light finger.</p><p>“I kind of thought I’d killed you,” Five said idly. “That they’d fucked up the serum and I’d murdered you with my dick.” He looked up at Diego, smiling faintly. “Imagine my relief to find instead that I’m just that good in bed.”</p><p>“Don’t give yourself too much credit,” Diego said, yawning. “I haven’t gotten off in over a month. Dry-humping the mattress would have murdered me.”</p><p>Five jabbed his fingers in Diego’s side. “Try again.”</p><p>“I mean, yeah, honey, you’re just that good in bed, you fuck like an all star, no one does it like you,” Diego said, grinning.</p><p>Five looked up at him, eyes big. “Say that again.”</p><p>Diego laughed. “You fuck like an all star?”</p><p>“No, the other part,” Five said.</p><p>Realizing, Diego smiled and wrapped his arm around Five, tugging him in to press a kiss to his forehead. “Yeah, honey. You’re just that good.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>warning: there are scenes where five tells diego to stop and diego doesn't stop immediately. i'm not labeling this as dub-con because five doesn't actually want diego to stop as much as the circumstances dictate it, but if that's a trigger for you, be aware.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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